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Germie: A Contagious Personality

By the elephant

germie prof pic

The scene opens with Germie in his red velvet chair, sitting in front of the fireplace with a steaming mug of hot chocolate. Legs crossed, caressing his pet dust mite, Germie offers me a cup of tea complete with a straw. To be clear, this straw is not of the drab ferret variety, it is of the best and finest crazy straw variety. As I use my trunk to blow bubbles into my tea, Germie opens up a box of chocolates and prepares to speak…

THE ELEPHANT: So Germie, why aren’t you drinking tea? It’s really quite lovely, especially with the sprinkled peanut shells. Delectable even! (blows more tea bubbles)

GERMIE: Gots my hot chocolate, Ellie! Dontcha know that tea is toxic to germs?

TE: Oh! You’re a germ? I thought that was just your name!

G: Yes, my name is Germie, but “that” is actually my brother’s name…

TE: Um …

G: It’s a joke Ellie, lighten up wouldja? My brother’s name is Germaine. He’s the “main” germ where we’re from, haha!

TE: Well, uh …

G: I can see this word play is too Ellie-vated for ya, here, let me deconstrunk it for the audience—

TE: (hyperventilating and on the verge of what would be a tragically destructive panic attack) No, no, no, Germie, no need for that!!!! And by ‘that’ I don’t mean your half sister! Let’s…let’s talk about you. Yeah, you and yourrr…..alleged tryst with the slippery worm.

Germy 1 beigeG: Ellie, a “yoo-hoo” in a chef’s hat does not tryst make! Although I wouldn’t mind cooking up something for that dashing Annelidae!

TE: Yes, yes, although I did like him…her…?

G: I believe worms are both, Ellie.

TE: Ah, yes, of course, well, I did like The Worm, her…better once The Rabbit gave her the makeover. I do think orange was more her color—Germie!!! You keep getting me off tusk! …no, not tusk, TASK!!! Look what you’re doing to me…your word play is, is…

G: Infectious?? Anyway, nice one, Ellie. A wordsmith in the making! Quite the natural if I do say so myself. And I do.

TE: Well, isn’t that nice Germie, what a nice—ugh. Okay, okay, next question. And stop distracting me. So, how was climbing Mt. Annelid? ###$$%%!!!! I mean, Mount Everest? You did that in the winter of ’15 am I right?

G: Well, it was a trek, I’ll say that, haha, yeah a real hike, haha, one might a-summit was hard a-scent, everyone was sweating, it smelled like a hockey team’s locker room.

TE: A-summit?? A-scent?? For once I wish my ears weren’t quite so sensitive. You do realize I’m the only animal in the Tree Community who could possibly pick up your high frequency voice…Germy 6 beige

G: Yes, thank you Ellie. You are a credit to your massively-eared species. By the way, here’s a picture of me waving from the top. I look splendid.

TE: Why yes you do, Germie, that’s a good look for you. And directly afterwards you sledded down the mountain in a little less than half-an hour (a record might I add), to ring the bells at The Tree’s annual Holiday service for orphaned birdie chicks. So daring, yet kindhearted!Germy 4 beige

G: Why yes I did Ellie, yes I did, thank you for those kind words, that means a lot to me, coming from a distinguished pachyderm. Of course, I could survive a fall of 30,000 ft with my, uh, modest body mass. Although I could end up, depending on prevailing winds, in the Indian Ocean. Anyways, those orphaned chicks are just too gosh darn cute to leave in some empty, at-risk nest. They’re so cute in fact that I’d say they’re a dead (bell) ringer for you Ellie!

TE: By the way, what was the holiday?

G: It’s the celebration of the first fresh cow pie of the season. Quite the event. It starts with a line dance in the –

TE: Yes, quite the event, I’m sure, thank you Germie. And I’m flattered that you would compare me with orphaned chicks. But we all know that I look nothing like a small cute fluffy bird…I don’t even think I would want that, but your intentions were good. Say, you kind of look like one in this picture don’t you?

G: Why? Just because I have a banana peel on my Germy 2 beigehead? And it’s yellow? And slightly slimey after a few days in the heat? Well….Yeah, I guess you’re right. I do look cute! Look at me wave at the camera.

TE: I thought you were shaking your fist. And who could blame you? Now you must admit, Germie, the girl found a banana your size. But cute? It looks like you’re about to pop like a fresh blueberry under all of that strain!

G: Now Ellie, be kind, I practiced that pose for hours! And might I add, let’s not forget who’s at the top of this totem…the largest most dense land mammal known to animal-kind, that’s whom.

Germy 5 beigeTE: HEHEM!!! Yes quite. Largest land mammal. Mmmmhmmm. Well, it’s not our—their fault that they were born into large land mammal families. But how many of them have that kind of balance? And anyways, don’t you know that it’s not polite to speak about a lady’s weight?

G: Hey Ellie, you’re the one doin’ all the speaking. I left it as more of a “gray” area… Hey, gray! Kinda like you Ellie! Yeah, gray kinda like you.

TE: Oh stop that. Tell me…tell me about this picture then.

G: Oh, that’s me playin’ my harmonica in Horton Hears a Who—I was a Whoville extra.

TE: I love that movie! My second favorite! So you’re the one playing the harmonica! Then . . . I Germy 3 beigeguess . . . “harm” your “moniker”? Haha! It’s your harmoniker!


TE: Well folks, Germie is speechless. And Ellie is on a bun!

G: You mean on a roll.

TE: Why yes I was! The honor roll in Grayed School, as a matter of fact! Bye folks! Say Germie, what do you call those big green things with the wheels and rollers and the big cannon on top that spins around?

G: Tanks?

Tissue elephant beigeTE: Yes, tanks to yoo hoo, too!  …Ah…Ah….ACHOOOO!

G: oops…here’s a tissue Ellie.

TE: Ugh. You’re the worst… Buy forks!

A Ferret to Remember

By the Elephant

ferret prof pic

Today we meet with The Ferret who has recently left the corn field to live in the bustling metropolis that we all know of as The Tree. He doesn’t provide finger food as did The Parrot and The Monkey, but he does wedge a piece of straw in my mouth to chew on. It is rather dry and fibrous, not delectable at all, however as my boss at my first job out of college used to say, “Get up on that stool!” Or maybe it was “The show must go on!” We sit and we chat about Ferret’s adventures in the “Big City”.

The Elephant: So Ferret, what made you decide to uproot yourself from your home in the corn field and come live up here?

The Ferret: Well Elephant, Ahz akshully from one o’ them domestic homes. Ah used to live in a cage in a girl’s house, ah think ah wuz called a pet? Anyways, she done freed me in a corn field once her parents bought herAnnie the conda Annie-the-Conda. That wuz right nice of her, I’ll tell ya that. A cage ain’t no place for a ferret, no sirree.

TE: But why leave the corn field? What was it about this place that really spoke to you?

uncooked corn ferret beigeTF: Har har!!! Well, hee hee, ah’ll sure tell ya, that there Parrot spoke to me a lot. He speaks to everybody and her cuzin. A lot. He sure’s got a lot to say. But I think you meant to ask why I moved here? Short answer iz uncooked corn is for cows ah tell ya, and I’ve got a mouth full o’ sweet teeth and a soft spot fer bananas.

TE: That’s as good of a reason as any I suppose. There was a cow around here, 15lostcowmaybe looking for a corn field …. But yes, tell me about your weakness for bananas, why don’t you tell me a little bit about your bed?

TF: Well, Elephant, I don’t rightly understand why yer askin’ me this when you ferret banana hammockknow perfectly well that mah new hammock is a banana peel. Don’tcha remember me showin’ ya? Right when yew walked in that there door an’ ya askt me ta show ya mah place? Had a bad nightmare in that there hammock once, though. Creature with big black eyes, just a-starin’ at me, it was!

TE: Yes, well, of course I remember the hammock, Ferret! I just thought our readers would like to hear a little about you’re a-peel-ing bed, haha!

TF: Good one, Ellie! Yeah, it’s served me well over the years.

TE: Wait, didn’t you just move here a couple of months ago?

TF: I’m sorry ta say this Elephant but ya gotta squeaky-clean out yer ears! Of course I moved out here two months ago, I waz tellin’ ya ‘bout it when you wuz lookin’ at mah hammock.

TE: Yes, yes, of course… Um…my apologies. Anyway, tell us a little about your old jobs, it’s always nice to figure out how a celebrity such as yourself got where he is now.

ferret pool-cleanin technique beigeTF: Celebrity, huh? Well shucks! Ah kin speak to that! Mah first job was cleanin’ the pool at that girl’s house. Ah akchully think she called it a fish tank, but as long as yer wearin the ‘propriate swim trunks, a little dip after work was allowed fer the pool boys. Ah cleaned it with a cane cuz that’s all she had. Ah akshully think she freed the fish too once Annie-the-Conda came ‘round. Freed ‘em right into that there pond she did! The one with the waterfall.

TE: So we got “pool boy” on your list of jobs? Was that before or after she freed you from your cage?ferret fiddle beige

TF: Huh? A cage?

TE: Yes Ferret, you said you lived in a cage.

TF: Ah did? Well shucks, that’s turrible! Back to the jobs question. Nuthin’ at the house, but in the cornfield ah panhandled a bit, played mah fiddle for money and scraps of food. I even worked in the cornfield, pullin’ weeds when they popped up. I akshully met a worm there who wuz doin’ the same thing, we talked about movin’ to The Tree, but then ah never heard from him again. Wonder what happened ta that fellah. It’s like he just up and flew away er sumthin’.

TE: Hmm, intriguing. Do continue.

ferret pullin weeds beigeTF: Well there’s one more thing, I s’pose. Ah werked fer an ostrich who owned a company that offered cheap flights on bird-back. Ah wuz one o’ them aircraft marshals with the orange vest, ear protekters, and those orange signal doohickeys that look like big rectangular popsicles.

TE: You mean semaphore?

TF: Send me four whut?

TE: Nevermind.

TF: Ah hafta say, ah looked reeel good in a uniform.

TE: A jack-of-all trades I see. Is there anything you haven’t done?

TF: Well, I’ve never solo danced at a beach discotheque. Ah sure hope that air marshal ferret beigesomeday The Parrot an’ The Monkey invite me. That would be sumthin’. Really sumthin’. Ah would even wear mah fancy air-marshal uniform!

TE: I’m sure that once they read this they’ll invite you along, they seem like….reasonable…well, maybe not reasonable. Grounded? No… They seem like……nice animals, wouldn’t you say?

ferret solo dancin beigeTF: Oh yeah, like Ahs said, The Parrot talks mah ear off, if that ain’t friendly then Ah surely don’t know what eeiz. And the Monkey gave me a manicure the other day. Mah claws never looked so good.

TE: Oh yes! Just yesterday The Monkey painted my toenail. Heart o’ gold under that grumpy exterior. Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have, but it was nice chatting with you Ferret.

TF: Awwww shucks Elephant, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said ta me. Here, have another straw ta chew on.

TE: So Ferret, I have to ask you. This girl, with the pet named Annie-the-Conda. She sounds, well, somewhat familiar.

TF: You know ‘er?

TE: Well, on page monkey, and then page bat—of the book in which you play a starring role—

TF: Well I reckon that’s right nice o’ ya, Ellie!

TE: Yes. Anyway, is that the same girl who climbed The Tree?

TF: That girl?? What made ya think that?

TE: Well you mentioned the girl and the house, and she had a pet named Annie-the-Conda …

TF: Oh, I musta made it up. Ya know, I been so busy with this Cardboard Offset Viscous World Tour thing …. got mah head spinnin’. Musta mixed it up with the book.

TE: Ah, so you’re a method actor!

TF: Huh?

TE: Well Ferret, your generosity and homespun hospitality is sorely lacking in these uncertain times… Folks, enjoy your straws (note to self: MUST FIND PEANUT ASAP) and we’ll catch you at the next installment! Bye!

Exclusive Interview with The Parrot

By The Elephant

This evening I find myself sitting across from The Parrot in his cozy hole-in-the-tree abode. He has placed a bowl of assorted nuts on the table between us and we crack them to reach the pulp inside. With each crack of a nutshell we can imagine the ice breaking as well, as we delve deep into The Parrot’s life.

The Elephant: So Parrot, what do you do for fun around here?

The Parrot: Well Elephant, I like to eat fruit, however that’s becoming difficult because most of my free time is now spent keeping greedy girls away from it!

TE: Sounds like a bummer. What do you do with the rest of your free time?

TP: I eat fruit. Oh, I also read. I am an avid reader of books. Here is a picture as proof.

TE: You’re a veritable intellectual Parrot! But how do you turn the pages?

TP: Hmmmm?

TE: The pages. Of the book.

TP: What book? Are you okay, Ellie?

TE: Nevermind. What would you say are your greatest strengths?

TP: That’s an easy one. Self-composure. I have always been able to put up a good face. Oh, and I play the drums.

TE: With your tail feather, I see!

TP: Yes, and a book page turner made especially for parrots.

TE: But I thought … Nevermind. You’re multi-talented I see, and yes Parrot, I always thought you were as self-composed as a top 40s pop song. Now tell me, what were you doing in this picture?

TP: Oh that thing? Nice profile, huh? I don’t quite remember. I have a bird brain, you know. But it must have been taken at one of my many dance performances. I solo at famous concert halls and beach discotheques.

TE: Really?? That’s fascinating. So you’re a stage parrot!

TP: Well mostly I do it in trees close to concert halls and discotheques. I could get stepped on, Ellie. How would you like to finish a night of dancing by getting scraped off the bottom of an elephant’s foot?

TE: I see your point, Parrot. That is, if your words aren’t dripping with sarcasm.

TP: Dripping? Did you see the juice-slop that silly girl showered us with?!? That’s dripping.

TE: More like splattering, I’d say. Now, tell me about this last picture. If I remember correctly, the whole Tree Community went into full bloom mode when these photos were released.

TP: Oh yeah. I’m not sure what happened there. One minute I’m a bird and the next that lunatic girl is using me as scissors! The outrage! And what was the point of cutting an iris that somehow found itself way up in a tree? I admit it was a feat of balance–simultaneously cut the prize at the top and the flower several branches below, a feat requiring the wing span of an airplane. The blueberries between her toes were intact. The showboating! So to speak, of course. Until the slip. Some duckbilled bird claimed there was a banana peel on the branch. But even an iris is entitled to a little dignity, is it not? The nerve of that gruesome stretch-girl!! Why I oughta—

TE: Well we seem to have struck a nerve. And just in time! Thank you Parrot for a charming interview, unfortunately we have run out of time and—

TP: Whadda ya mean run outta time?!? This is a written interview, there’s no time limit!! Plus I haven’t finished my stories about that ungainly gangly girl who—

TE: Yes!!! Yes! Thank you Parrot. You should refill the assorted nuts, but please include more peanuts in the future. Unshelled is fine. In bigger bowls. Much bigger. Well thank you. Thank you. Join us next time everyone for another exclusive interview with Parrot!

TP: But—the stories. Did I mention the time she squeezed mango slop through her–

TE: Bye!!!